Choose Your Weapon

I've lived in Federal Way, Washington for 34 years and I have to say, it's  a pretty normal community with challenges that are typical of most cities.

But, when I saw this headline in the local newspaper:  "Woman Assaults Man With Toothbrush Holder," I realized that all Hell has broken loose.  I feel I have to be armed with a toothbrush when I leave the house for the posible rumble in the Safeway parking lot.  I wonder if I should carry some Listerine in my purse for chemical warfare?

This woman was probably trying to defend herself.  Domestic violence isn't funny.  Whatever happened, clearly her choice of weapon was fortunate for him.

Ovarian Cancer

I remember when I woke up following surgery and the Doctor said:  "The tumor was malignant.   You have ovarian cancer."

As God is my witnes, my first thought was:  "Shoot, I'm going to die and I'll never get to be a blonde!"

Here I am, 12 years later, cancer-free and blonde.  I always wanted to know if blondes have more fun?

We do.

The Madden Shoe Frenzy

Last September I was trying on shoes at Macy's and, during my consideration period, the salesgirl said:  "Try them on barefoot.  That's how you can tell if they fit."

I replied:  "What about the store policy requiring that we cover our feet with these?"

I held up what we used to call a ped, but now has morphed into some kind of sanitary, disposable foot covering for proper shoe fitting etiquette.

She said:  "No one does that anymore!"




When did they change the rule?  Where was I?  In truth, I don't consider myself a germ-a-phob, but I was raised in a family with the sock rule.  My brother, John Madden (EA Sports "Madden"; Hall of Fame Coach; Oakland Raiders; etc.,) suffered from a chronic case of Athlete's Foot.  Later in his career, he made a TV commercial for "tough actin' Tinactin" that made me smile. At any rate, everyone in the family had to wear socks in the house.

So, today I was Christmas shopping and I saw a cute pair of shoes screaming:  "Judy, Judy, Judy!"  I passed sadly.  I haven't been able to try on shoes since I learned of the rule change.

I love to collect shoes, but I hate rashes.

A Druid is an Ancient Celtic Priest

This is the "Season of Cailin."  My daughter was born on Thanksgiving Day when it landed on November 28th  27 years ago.

Since 1985 we have celebrated the "Incredible Skip", as she is also known, pretty much from Thanksgiving through New Years Day and the Rose Bowl.  The feasting and gift-giving grows with each year.  Possibly, I have over-compensated for the fact that she has had to share her special day with a national holiday.  It's like the kids born on Christmas Day.  How many gifts can you receive?

My daughter is beautiful, funny, smart, kind, intuitive, athletic, and has, over the years grown to achieve super-hero status.  She posesses magic qualities such that has been handed down through generations of the Madden family dating back to the Druids in Ireland.

You may think, as I speak so highly of Cailin (which is Gaelic for Colleen) that she is an only child.  Not so.  We also celebrate the "Season of Molly."  She was born on our 5th wedding anniversary.  So, guess who gets the presents and the party?  It's not me.

Molly is every bit as wonderful as Cailin, but we cannot speak of it during the "Season of Cailin."  We must, according to edict, refer to her as "The Other Child."

All blessings to you who read this.  It is intended to be a story of true love for Thanksgiving.

The Charles Dickens' Cat

My cat, Franklin, has taken to daily strolls through the streets of my Charles Dickens' Christmas Village.  He likes to pull the greenery off the fake snow slopes and knock over the little porcelain people.  He can be a bully that way.

I say:  "No, no" to him and he looks at me like, are you kidding?

I've had a lot of cats in my life, but this one has an extreme sense of entitlement.  He conducts himself with a unique sense of arrogance.  His tail is a plume that stands like a flag waving in the breeze.  He believes he is really wonderful, a distinctive feline statement of possible perfection.

So, today, the incredible prancing cat broke one of my porcelain figurines.  I couldn't be angry with him.  It was probably payback for last Christmas when the tree fell on him.

Refrigerator Stew

As I clean out my refrigerator to make way for an abundance of Thanksgivng food, I remember my Mother, Mary Madden.   A survivor of the depression, she never forgot what it felt like to be hungry.  She taught me that wasting food was punishable by a stint in Hell.  I wonder if the "wasters of food" just visit Hell  and later ascend to Purgatory or Heaven?

If I left anything on my plate, I would revisit it on Saturday when she mixed it all together for refrigerator stew.  Mom didn't honor expiration dates or even mold. It all went into the soup.

Today I fnd myself enjoying excellent health.  Possibly it's because I've acquired anti-bodies from years of dining on old food.

It's like Kelly Clarkson's song:  "Whatever  doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  Refrigerator stew was part of being Madden tough.

The Season of the Cat

Tis the season for decorating.  We have to start early because I put up 5 trees, (possibly 6 this year); the Dickens Village; my Santas of the World collection along with various displays collected over the years.

Last Christmas, my husband, aka "Goat Boy," tipped over the cat tree and broke a large number of my cat ornaments that I have collected over the last 25 years.  In addition, Franklin, our cat was snooping around the tree while Goat Boy was decorating and as the tree plummeted to the floor, it fell on Franklin.  He has never been the same.  Needless to say, Goat Boy is not alowed to touch the cat tree again. 

But, here's the dilemma:  I'm experiencing difficulty finding cat ornaments this year.  I've visited almost every store in Federal Way and all I have to say is:  Where are the cats?

Keep Your Game Face

I saw it in the second quarter.  I watched the UW Huskey vs. Utah Utes game last night and I saw the click, the sudden game changer you can only see if you're on the field  or have a close-up TV shot.

It was fear.  I saw it in the eyes of the Freshman Utah quarterback, Travis Wilson.  If you show fear - game over.  My Dad, Earl Madden, taught me that when I was a little girl, keep your game face on.  Football is really a mental game.  Winning is an attitude.

So, Huskies win, but the burning question is:  What is a Ute?

Vexing Questions

I have so many questions.  For example:

1.  Is Flo the insurance girl human or an animated computer creation?

2.  Why do men spit?  (If women spit, I've never seen it, or if I did, the incident was too traumatic for me to remember.)

3.  Does anyone watch Piers Morgan?

4.  Has Honey Boo Boo had all of her shots?

These are just a few of my thoughts.  Of course, there are more........

Catholic Humor

Currently I'm working on a short story based on my time spent in a Catholic boarding school.  I think it's funny, but frequently, when I try to be funny, no one laughs.

It's OK, I'm used to it.  My daughters have given up trying to point out that I'm not funny.  Now, they just laugh at my jokes knowing it's the right thing to do.  Apparently they've  grown out of the stage where I was embarrassing.  You know, their friends always laughed at my jokes.  I wonder if they were just being polite or if I could have had a Phyllis Diller career?

A Quotable Day."

"Oooooh baby, here  I am, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours."  I love that song.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the President's speech:

"The best is yet to come."

I'd like to thank "The Happy Warrior, Joe Biden."

"No one who fights for their country should ever have to fight for a job or a roof over their head when they come home."

"We live in the greatest nation on Earth."

I worked as a volunteer for Roger Freeman for State Representative, Position 2, 30th District.  It is an honor to know him and a pleasure to celebrate his victory tonight.

"Forward."

Let's Dance the Time Warp Again."

What tme is it?  I was a little confused today.  We changed our clocks in the house, but neglected the car.

So, I'm driving to the store and I notice kids crossing the street, yellow lights flashing and I'm thinking, this is wierd.  It's 4:00 and children are just getting out of school?  I've never seen that before.  It seems a little late for dismissal time.

I shopped for what seemed to be a long time, circling Fred Meyer a couple of times to find the perfect flowers.  I glanced at the clock on my way  out and it's 4:20.  Wow, I'm thinking I might be in some kind of time warp.  How did I do all that shoppng ($126.00 worth) in 20 minutes?  Maybe I truely do have super powers.  I always thought  did.

Yoga Class

I started my new yoga class Friday at the local recreation center.  So, now I work out at Curves, take Zumba classes, engage in a yoga class, attend Weight Watchers, and "try to" walk the mall twice a week.

I have to say, I'm really impressed with myself.  I've lost 4 pounds in the last 10 days.

If you read my prvious blog, you know that I grew up with a Mother who was chronically ill, beyond what was reasonable.  I've promised myself ever snce I was a small child that I would never go down like some kind of pittiful wimp looking for sympathy.  I vowed to never traumatize my daughters with hysterical declarations of impending death.  I'm planning to stay strong to the end.  I'm not exactly an NFL linebacker, but after working out at Curves for 6 years, I'm close.